Improvement?!

This week's been a long one. Next week, I am gonna be nocturnal again. Work starts at 5:15 PM. Yun na ang pinakamalapit sa mga sked namin na medyo sisikatan ka pa nga araw na na-i-offer sa akin. Some people think I am isolating myself. It's one reason but sunshine has to be one of the primary reasons. And I want to hang out with my friends who are on the same/near shifts.

I guess I really have been pushing myself to be more sociable. There were instances that I feel I am holding back, and I felt sure that I was. Or maybe I am too shocking for them that even when held back, nakakaloko ako.

I was drinking with some colleagues (I chose the word coz it sounds much more professional, hehehe), Mako, one of them told me that it is an improvement that I actually talk now. Oh, how so few people know me. They still haven't heard me giving a diatribe. It was fun to drink with co-workers because... uh, I like to drink and I love to... drink and drink some more. PERIOD. I am on my way to becoming an alcoholic.

It may be considered an improvement, I really wanted to be friendly and have a lot of people surround me, my few friends had been pushing me to mingle with people. And I did (or almost something like it)!

Somehow, being with a lot of people keeps me preoccupied from my not-so-normal thoughts and think more about normal things like setting goals and all that stuff that I wasn't really thinking much of. It should be OK except when I miss thinking of not-so-normal things like last night I was thinking about the what would make the world a better place and I came to the conclusion that only human extinction as the only answer. Matagal namahing ang brain cells ko, dahil puro ako trabaho at inuman ang inaatupag ko. But despite of that, some people are scared of me. It's kinda cool in a way. May natatakot pa pala sa akin kahit feeling ko sobrang bait ako. And I thought they think of me as nice, kahit ako naguguluhan sa iniisip nila sa akin. O baka nagugulahan lang sila sa akin, lalo na nang nagsalita na ako. There are times that I get disoriented by all the things I hear. I learned that I know a lot of things that they don't know, and I know so little of things that they all know (and I oughta know).

So this is how being almost sociable feels like.

It's not that I am more sad. I've always been sad. If I get happy then that'll be fun. I am just not happy. My other friends think mag-chicks daw dapat ako. Huh? OK. Parang may papatol. At kawawa naman ang papatol. Aminado naman ako na takot ako sa relasyon.

Susunod kong project yung pag-gi-gym. O yan! seryoso na talaga ito. Talagang mag-e-enroll na ako sa gym. Unless I get scared again.

My friends ask me if I am with them coz a lot of times I am absent-minded. Maybe this is my first steps to being with them.

In all this chaos, I wish I have someone to tell me everything's okey. It's pathetic that I still think of her.