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Dammit. I am not good at introductions. Just click on this and update your templates, and everything that involves me.

Passing post of I don't know what to make out of it

It's been a weird week. Pa-senti-sent, nagbati na kami ni Rhoda although di ko na sya masyadong lalapitan.

I had sex or maybe I should have called it half-sex. Or I should call it weird and goofy half-sex. It's funny. Medyo nakakahiya pero nakakatawa. Masaya siguro ikwento sa inyo (kasi di ninyo alam yung mga involved) pero may pact kami. Not to tell. Pag naayos ko na lany yung isa kong blog. Hahaha! Joke lang.

I am thinking of getting a cat once I move out on my own then I decided not to. Meron kasi akong mga nabasa na pag namatay yung amo, practical ang pusa at pag wala nang makain baka ako pa ang kainin pag na dead-oy ako sa apartment ko if ever makaalis man ako sa amin.

This one is weird. I had more views last month than I thought is possible. Naka private profile ako, and normally once a month mga 3 or 4 profile views lang yung meron ako (mula ng magkaroon ako ng friendster talagang nilalangaw na ito), di ko nga alam kung bakit umabot ng 28 for some reason. Isa sa mga misteryo ng buhay.

Do I speak malalim?

I am not sure. But my co-workers say that my Filipino is deep.

It's not that I hate to speak malalim na Pinoy pero ewan ko di ko napansin. So, inisip ko malalim ba talaga ako mag-tagalog kasi sa totoo lang feeling ko hindi. Nakakaaliw na isipin. Pero minsan masarap mag-quip na tipong, Ako ay naligayahan na ikaw ay makadaumpalad OR Napakabait mo naman para gawin yan para sa akin ng bukal sa iyong puso at walang pag-iimbot. Pero pagdating naman sa regular conversation na di ako nagpapabibo, normal Pinoy lang.

Minsan feeling ko nagiging maarte na ako. kasi mga kasama ko may kasamang arte ang pagsasalita kay I make extra effort na di maging maarte magsalita. Letse kasi ang magtrabaho sa call center. Mga close friends ko dito, ganun din ang stand sa Taglish.

Minsan may nagtanong sa akin kung sa Antipolo ba malalim magsalita ng tagalog ang tao. Noong araw na buhay pa ang lola ko, alam ko may kalaliman pero ngayon hindi na! Marami na rin maarte magsalita dito. Parents ko malalim magsalita ng Tagalog kung iisipin n'yo. Dad ko kasi (somehow that sounds so coñotic, Hahaha!) tunay na taga-Antipolo tapos nanay ko na tubong Pampanga parang na-acquire na lang yun. I am not sure baka como mga dukha lamang kami at kami ay matatas magsalita ng Tagalog although feeling ko basic lang talaga.

Ewan ko sa mga tao kung bakit naging malalim ang word na karatula. Kesa naman sabihin ko na Nakita ko sa Karatula na meron doong daan, I think it wouldn't sound nice if I say nakita ko sa signboard or di ko lang namamalayan. Like the word lumuwas that I use when I will be going on to a long trip, I could have said umalis but I like using the word for long trips.

I am thinking baka malakas na talaga ang influence ng ibang language sa atin, nagiging archaic na yung dati ay considered regular words.

Like I always say, dito lang ako sa Internet pa-English-english ano? Baka pagtawanan pa ako ni Kuya! And despite my hostility against some parts of Filipino culture and the politics here, I am still Filipino, a proud one.

Gran Matador

No! I am not talking about the alcoholic beverage. Neither am I talking about those dudes in ill-fitting tights terrorizing the bulls (or was it the other way around) in Europe. I'll get to that.

Hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong career goals. Nabanggit ko na yata dito na nag-college ako ng di ko alam yung gusto at dito muna ako sa call center habang wala akong direksyon na tatahakin. One year and 7 months in this job at hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong naiisip na gusto ko (unless I count my recent dream of being a neurosurgeon).

I have this thing about working in a company. It's weird because I am working in one and I graduated from a business course (kinda makes me look like a hypocrite), maybe I am reading too much Murakami. Iniisip ko yung mga naisip kong mga jobs noong araw noong di pa ako nako-corrupt ng lipunan. Some of them, I think doesn't appeal to me now. I have no plans to be a lawyer, architect, priest (shudder!) or anything anymore (especially if it is gonna be requiring me to do any extensive study).

Bigla akong may naalala! I remember sometime during the time na di ako nag-aaral! Gusto ko maging matador. Dito sa Pilipinas, most specifically sa mga palengke, yun yung mga taga-tadtad ng karne (or in English, butcher). Not the types you see in supermarkets where they have all these machines slicing those meat in uniform portions but the types that flips the meat up and down and just chops them down with a machete (or whatever). And you hear the sounds of the cleaver, like music to my ears. Tad! Tad! Promise! There is something really awesome at how they handle meat. Nakakaaliw panoorin.

A friend told me it is a macho job at lalaki daw yung katawan ko although medyo mahirap imadyinin ang sarili ko na may bitbit na malaking baboy sa balikat. Parang di bagay. Hmmm..... it is a macho job. I am then gonna be working a man job for a change. Me, jeeper, me man, you office boy, you sissy. Grrrrr!

Although I would't really.

I think there was a butcher/serial killer in England (I am not sure if it is in Hanover). And with my psycho tendencies. Malay natin. Hahaha! I can imagine something like those movies they showed in the 90s. Tinadtad na Laman: The Rhoda Story. With matching tagline: God spare our lives! No. Baka isipin nyo mananakit ako. Hehehe. Joke lang.

And I try

Last night I was drinking with my co-workers. I really don't like drinking with people I am not very close to. Despedida yun ng katrabaho ko na lilipad na sa Amerika kaya nahiya naman akong di pumunta. We were drinking this concoction of vodka, sprite and Red Horse.

I was drinking, I drink a lot for somebody who doesn't go out often. In a passing statement, I told a co-worker named Rhoda that even if she looks like a slut, she really isn't. Maybe it was tactless, it was a passing statement, I do not want to blame what I said to my intoxication for what I said, I said something someone else says and I know that a lot of guys think the same way. And all hell broke loose.

Rhoda made a big deal out of it. In front of other people she told me that if I can't say who said that, then it must be me who is thinking that way. I am never into name-dropping. And I hate the accusation that I am a gossip monger. I hardly talk to anybody at work except my friends. Except the past months when I tried so hard to be more sociable. She told me that I am creepy, that there are times that when I talk to her, that I am off. She wanted me to defend myself in front of all the people we were drinking with.

I am never into drama. I am not friends with all my co-workers. Yes, I can be tactless but I will not be the source of entertainment of these drunken people who aren't my friends. Rhoda was one of the people I knew ever since I started at work, although we're not friends, I treated her the same way as I treat people I am comfortable with, I say my thoughts no matter how weird it is. I hate it. I hate the situation, I told her to talk in private, she doesn't want to. She wanted me to defend myself in front of all these people.

I was angry, I kept my mouth shut. I know myself, I am very sarcastic when I am angry and it would not be like a gentleman to go on a diatribe because once I talk, it will be hard for me to stop, besides the way I rationalize things, I am sure some of them will react differently. Ayoko na pahabain. I just kept my mouth shut. I am not sure if I made the right choice. I told all these to my friend Michelle who was sitting beside me. And I am happy she understands, and I guess that she knows me.

Michelle talked to her in the Ladies room. I don't know if she believed her. I was angry. One of our coworkers, Rhoda's friend told me that I should have name dropped. She said that Rhoda thinks that I have these dark thoughts about her. Masama kasi ako tumingin, and I admit, I really have a habit of doing that. Maybe it is uncomfortable for people but it's something that I unconsciously do. I hate defending myself. Of all accusations, I don't make up stories and if I do talk about sex, it is something that I am open with. I do not place any malice on any of the statements.

I tried so hard to fit in and I guess I will always carry this problem. I shouldn't have talked. Silence is good. Silence even if misinterpreted, at least they wouldn't have anything to hold against you. The reason I tried to do open up is coz my friend who's been like me says that she has found a family from the people she has been working with.

Last night, in my room, alone, I cried, I can't help it. If this happens every time I carry a conversation then I ought not to talk anymore. I don't know if you guys understand. Last night I was trying to call the people who I know will understand me. Nobody's answering their phone, no replies. Maybe because it was 3 AM. It may be petty for some of you, but for someone like me it's hard. I did my best. I tried.

Sige dito na lang ako sa Internet. At least di ako ginaganito ng tao.

jeeper recommends

I am not in the mood to write anything today. I was planning to write something about the human spirit but I got too lazy and my mind is in too much disarray right now.

So, I will be recommending stuff that I really like. Little thinking required in writing the post.

Books

• Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. One of the best Murakami books I have read and all Murakami books I have read, I really like. This is something I'd recommend if you're not into the whole whiny feel (that I happen to like a lot, thank you) that is well-known in his books. Part-fantasy and part-postmodern (I am not really sure if the world scifi applies to this really cool book), it made me almost cry. The last part was breath-taking. I have no words to describe how cool it is. Go ahead, read it, relish it and spread his awesomeness. If you hate the book, you are stupid and you don't have taste.
• The Sandman Vol. 2 The Doll's House. It is the first from the volumes I have read and while browsing through a forum it said to be one of the best. And with little knowledge of the whole story arc at that time, I was immediately hooked. Some people don't like the illustrations but I really did, it grows in you. It is the book that Gaiman says he has found his voice. It makes reference the bzou (if you are familiar with my online activity, you'll get it). There's a convention for serial killer and so much more. There are character's here that you won't easily forget.Costs around Php 900.00 though.

Anime

• Death Note. It's good just plain good. The story was excellent and the animation was exceptional. The antihero (named Light) is immediately likable but I started to despise him when he started going megalomaniac, then like him again during the middle part, then loathed him again after he killed his arch nemesis. Basta ang galing! If you like the same characters that I do in fiction you are gonna go crazy over L (it doesn't stand for Light) . His early departure made me want to cry.
• Basilisk. A story of 2 rival Ninja Clans. Two fall in love. It's like Romeo and Juliet gone violent. A lot of killing that I really like, the action sequences were breathtaking. Episode 1 pa lang panalo na! And it does make a good observation about hate, prejudice and other aspects of being human. Did I mention? There was a lot of violence.

Movies

• Gattaca. I don't know why I have just seen this only recently, may have missed it for reasons I don't know. It's just how I like my futuristic movies to be like. Sends an interesting message about on how our reliability on science let's us overlook other stuff. It's really nice. Not that I am anti-science, sometimes there are things like faith. Not that I now believe in you know what, I don't think the movie also sends that message. It's inspiring. Really.

Internet

• esnips. It's a great means to do some file-sharing. E-books, pictures, music, etc. But you can make public or private.
• Utrackmovies. I have my librarything for my books and I have Utrack for my movies. I still haven't finished updating my collection but you can visit it, click here and enter jeeper for password. By the way, my movies wouldn't really be considered inside some of the categories it's in kasi nga marami sa kanila nabili ko lang sa mga gilid-gilid ng St. Francis Square. Dapat natin bawasan ang pagbili ng pirated DVDs. Hehehe.

Music

I don't listen much to modern music these days. I am listening to a lot of old songs right now, Stone Temple Pilot and The Carpenters. I am really amused by Karen Carpenter's voice. Let me listen right now. Man! I can't get over listening to Superstar.

PS

I am still working on my new domain, there were some problems with the SSL of my registrar. They said they'll manually make some changes on it. So, yeah. I am still waiting for their email. I should have sent them a word earlier. And I was thinking,I may have done something stupid.

Improvement?!

This week's been a long one. Next week, I am gonna be nocturnal again. Work starts at 5:15 PM. Yun na ang pinakamalapit sa mga sked namin na medyo sisikatan ka pa nga araw na na-i-offer sa akin. Some people think I am isolating myself. It's one reason but sunshine has to be one of the primary reasons. And I want to hang out with my friends who are on the same/near shifts.

I guess I really have been pushing myself to be more sociable. There were instances that I feel I am holding back, and I felt sure that I was. Or maybe I am too shocking for them that even when held back, nakakaloko ako.

I was drinking with some colleagues (I chose the word coz it sounds much more professional, hehehe), Mako, one of them told me that it is an improvement that I actually talk now. Oh, how so few people know me. They still haven't heard me giving a diatribe. It was fun to drink with co-workers because... uh, I like to drink and I love to... drink and drink some more. PERIOD. I am on my way to becoming an alcoholic.

It may be considered an improvement, I really wanted to be friendly and have a lot of people surround me, my few friends had been pushing me to mingle with people. And I did (or almost something like it)!

Somehow, being with a lot of people keeps me preoccupied from my not-so-normal thoughts and think more about normal things like setting goals and all that stuff that I wasn't really thinking much of. It should be OK except when I miss thinking of not-so-normal things like last night I was thinking about the what would make the world a better place and I came to the conclusion that only human extinction as the only answer. Matagal namahing ang brain cells ko, dahil puro ako trabaho at inuman ang inaatupag ko. But despite of that, some people are scared of me. It's kinda cool in a way. May natatakot pa pala sa akin kahit feeling ko sobrang bait ako. And I thought they think of me as nice, kahit ako naguguluhan sa iniisip nila sa akin. O baka nagugulahan lang sila sa akin, lalo na nang nagsalita na ako. There are times that I get disoriented by all the things I hear. I learned that I know a lot of things that they don't know, and I know so little of things that they all know (and I oughta know).

So this is how being almost sociable feels like.

It's not that I am more sad. I've always been sad. If I get happy then that'll be fun. I am just not happy. My other friends think mag-chicks daw dapat ako. Huh? OK. Parang may papatol. At kawawa naman ang papatol. Aminado naman ako na takot ako sa relasyon.

Susunod kong project yung pag-gi-gym. O yan! seryoso na talaga ito. Talagang mag-e-enroll na ako sa gym. Unless I get scared again.

My friends ask me if I am with them coz a lot of times I am absent-minded. Maybe this is my first steps to being with them.

In all this chaos, I wish I have someone to tell me everything's okey. It's pathetic that I still think of her.

Rich people and English

Think of me as narrow-minded. I dont befriend rich people. I don't know, I mean some them are really, really nice. If they weren't rich, we may have been friends (but I guess I still won't). Maybe it's just me. Di naman ako mapili sa kaibigan pero ewan ko. Maybe because I am you know like so totally low-class and baduy, jologs to the max and so pedestrian person. But I dunno.

Don't get me wrong, I can get along with people who are in the upper middle class but the people who are rich, really rich, I feel like there's this invisible barrier I can't go through. I know it's me.

May mga tao diyan na mata-pobre, iniisip k0 kung ano ako, mata-rico. Some people wouldn't expect that of me dahil maluho ako maraming bisyo. Hindi ko kasi tinitipid ang sarili ko, minsan mas simple pa sa akin yung tunay na mayayaman. I just don't like being friends with them. Not that I feel insecure, I am an egoist and I love myself and I can be condescending sometimes to the point that I no longer speak so I won't offend other people.

So, I was wondering where all this hostility for rich people is coming from. Besides ofcourse being destitute and all.

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An unrelated thought.

Nagpunta ako at ang aking kaibigan sa Medical City, and while waiting for our friend who had her checkup, may narinig akong tao sa harap na may kausap sa phone in pure English (in fairness, hindi naman flawed).

Nagkatinginan na lang kami ng kaibigan ko. Minsan iniisip ko kung saan nanggaling na pag magaling ka mag-English matalino ka na at may breeding. Tingnan mo na lang yung mga nagtatrabaho sa call centers (tulad ko), di naman sila matalino at wala akong breeding.

Minsan yung pamantayan ng tao na magaling mag-English kinukuha lang sa accent. Para sa akin kasi ang tao na magaling mag-English ay yung mga tao na may tamang grammar, correct pronunciation at may malawak na vocabulary. Wala akong pakialam sa intonation at accent, so sino ang mas magaling mag-English, mga Amerikano o mg Brits? Eh iba yung accents nila, di ba?

May mga salita akong Tagalog na di nila alam ang ibig sabihin, tinanong nila kung normal lang daw ba sa mga taga-Antipolo ang ganun magsalita. Sabi ko hindi. Nagugulat sa akin ang mga tao na galit daw pala ako sa colonial mentality. Feeling ko kasi wala nang cultural identity ang mga Piipino. Dito lang naman ako Interent pa-English-english pero sa tunay na buhay, di ako ganito.